Tonight’s episode of “Kitchen Creativity” is easily one of my favorites, mostly because it has involved fewer tears, produced more laughs and yielded more wine than most (and that’s saying something, given the purple batter episode).
So, tonight I couldn’t find my wine opener. It’s one of those waiters’ corkscrews*, so it’s easy to misplace, although for the record, my apartment isn’t really that big, so misplacing it feels like some kind of feat in and of itself, since there are literally only so many cupboards and surfaces in or on which it could be**.
*In either ignorance or some kind of unfounded wine snobbery, I refuse to use anything else. I honestly can’t operate one of those complicated Rabbit contraptions.
**Here’s where a Rabbit comes in handy, as it’s very difficult to misplace a Rabbit.
And this was more than a little disappointing, as I’d had it in my head most of the afternoon that I was going to make dinner at home, work on my blog and have a little glass of wine tonight. I’d made the dinner, plugged in my laptop, cut the foil* on the bottle of pinot and went to reach for the corkscrew…only to discover it was nowhere to be found**.
*Ironically, with a Rabbit brand foil cutter.
So, I did what any intrepid and determined wino* would do: I looked for the opener for a solid 30 minutes** before deciding that surely a wine opener wasn’t the only instrument that could be used to open a bottle of wine.
*Read: Lover of wine. When you’ve lived in a large urban environment, it’s important to make this distinction between a lover of wine and a wine dependent – it’s a fine line between semantics and income level when applied to the city streets.
**I was also doing laundry, my second favorite pasttime.
A wine. opener. An instrument dedicated specifically to the shape, size and physical trajectory of a cork from a bottle isn’t the “only” instrument for opening a bottle. I mean, once I saw a woman on the streets of Seattle flat out crack a bottle on the sidewalk and proceed to drink from the broken top (shudder) but I figure there must be some kind of instrumental middle ground between a corkscrew and a sidewalk.
I grabbed a screwdriver, which seemed like a logical choice, given that it has a pointy end, and just started drilling manually. And when that yielded no results, I tried a knife*. And between the screwdriver and the knife, I managed to worry about half of the cork away, until I figured I could reasonably just *pop* it down into the bottle** with the handle of a wooden spoon.
*Uhhhhhh…not anything I’d recommend. This is the kind of thing that seems “logical” enough at the time and ends up landing you in the ER.
**Here’s where my lack of attention in Mr. Floyd’s class in high school came around to bite me in the ass, as if I had paid attention, I would have remembered that physical mass forced into liquid causes liquid displacement. Duh.
And here’s where my spaciness, “resourcefulness” and high school inattentiveness came to a head, as the cork did indeed *pop* down into the bottle, causing a veritable Old Faithful of pinot to come gushing out of the bottle all over me and the kitchen, including straight into my right eye, which still stings a little.
And when the wine settled, and I was able to open my eye again, I looked around – at myself, at the wine splatters on my shirt, at the various tools surrounding the bottle and the wine that was all over the kitchen, and just began to laugh. I mean, what else can you do? It could have been so much worse.
There could have been no wine at all.
However, there’s point in wasting perfectly good wine, so I fashioned a small strainer with a tiny colander and a paper towel* and strained the compromised wine into a fine glass to let it breathe before consuming.
*Macgyver’s got nothin’ on me.
Is this the classiest glass of wine I’ve ever drunk? Not even a little, although when it comes to wine, no one’s ever accused me of being especially classy.
But is it the most well-deserved? I’d say so. And at the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters?
Well, that, and a having a corkscrew handy – which I’ll be replacing tomorrow.