I don’t know where to begin.
I never thought I’d be here. Of all the dreams that have been realized, and haven’t; of all the ways in which I’ve envisioned my life would turn out, I never thought it would be quite this way. I never thought I’d be in a relationship that would be negative in every definition of the word; that would change the scope of who I am, and who I think I can be.
I don’t know how we got here, and I don’t know where we go from here, but I need to say these things out loud, while I’m feeling emotional enough to say them, so that I never forget – in times when I am happy, and content – how I feel RIGHT now, because this is how I always feel about you, even if I don’t say it out loud.
I hate you. I HATE you. I HATE YOU. There’s nothing about you that’s ever brought me love or happiness. Not a single moment of joy. Even in the height of your influence, I’ve felt a twinge of guilt that I’ve managed to push aside, and what for? Only postponed misery felt late at night when I am alone. I hate everything about the way you make me feel: the way I worry about you when I should be worrying about myself; the way you maneuver your negativity into what should be my happiest moments; the way I can’t concentrate because of you. When I should be thinking about me, I am always thinking about you, and how you’ll get in the way of my success, my happiness, my friendships and relationships. I’ve never felt so small and overshadowed as I have around you.
And yet, I have myself to blame. I let myself be sucked in by your easygoing nature, lackadaisical attitude and penchant for the good life. You’re all about easy living and everything that’s seemingly deserved in my life, and it’s hard to pass that up, even when I knew, from the beginning, that you would ultimately be this way – it’s in your nature. You don’t mean to be malicious, but you’re selfish, and self-centered and forgetful. You don’t think about consequences, and consequently neither did I. You can’t help but be a bad influence, and I chose to ignore that. It was easier to be with you than fight you; easier to keep going day to day without having to think about how I was going to be rid of you.
And now, 2 years later, I am miserable. Your charms are worn thin and your merits long ago tarnished, and though I’ve vowed to be rid of you, somehow I am left with the bulk of your negativity, and the baggage that naturally follows that bad relationship. I’m ready to say goodbye. I am READY to be rid of your influence. I will NOT allow you to be privy to the emotions that run my friendships, my relationships and ultimately my life. You have been full of yourself for a long time without asking about MY feelings, MY needs or MY future, and I’ve finally – FINALLY! – realized I’m better than that.
Goodbye. There is not a moment more to be spent thinking about you, or pondering and questioning the reasons we’ve been together so long – the point is that now we’re done. My only goal is to move on, and shed your negativity one pound – one emotion – at a time.
I know that you’ll be back, and perhaps in a moment of weakness or sadness or inattention I’ll let you in. But for now – for now, I’m going to walk away, and that will be enough.